1 00:00:04,584 --> 00:00:10,521 ? 2 00:00:10,722 --> 00:00:12,622 Well, I wanna say thank you again, man, 3 00:00:12,729 --> 00:00:14,796 for inviting us all out, Kareem. This is awesome. 4 00:00:14,904 --> 00:00:16,270 - Yeah, Kareem. - Thank you, man. 5 00:00:16,376 --> 00:00:18,109 A five-star dinner with you is amazing. 6 00:00:18,216 --> 00:00:20,283 - How are you doing? - Busy. 7 00:00:20,390 --> 00:00:23,424 You know, I got my real estate, and that's like a full-time job. 8 00:00:23,534 --> 00:00:25,334 And I do a lot of speaking engagements. 9 00:00:25,441 --> 00:00:27,608 Plus, I started a new ice cream company, 10 00:00:27,716 --> 00:00:30,016 and I've given it a really cool name. 11 00:00:30,126 --> 00:00:31,058 [LAUGHS] 12 00:00:31,162 --> 00:00:33,129 Oh, is this another corny like "Ice Kareem"? 13 00:00:33,237 --> 00:00:37,852 [LAUGHTER] 14 00:00:38,123 --> 00:00:39,656 - That is the name. - Oh. 15 00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:42,566 You think it's corny? 16 00:00:46,688 --> 00:00:47,853 [CLEARS THROAT] 17 00:00:49,597 --> 00:00:51,030 - I'm just playing. - Oh. 18 00:00:51,136 --> 00:00:52,235 [LAUGHTER] 19 00:00:52,341 --> 00:00:54,140 That's called deadpan comedy. 20 00:00:54,247 --> 00:00:56,481 Oh, that's what you were doing. 21 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,657 KAREEM: Yes. I learned that from Les. 22 00:01:00,336 --> 00:01:06,006 CEDRIC: Les... Lessster... 23 00:01:06,124 --> 00:01:07,223 Leslie Nielsen? 24 00:01:07,328 --> 00:01:08,827 - ALL: Oh! - Oh, of course. 25 00:01:08,934 --> 00:01:11,135 Lester Holt, I would've said. 26 00:01:11,243 --> 00:01:13,009 Anyway, Kareem, I bet you have some great stories 27 00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:15,116 about your time with the Lakers, man. 28 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:18,000 -Oh yeah, I've got a million of 'em.. 29 00:01:18,046 --> 00:01:18,991 But the best ones 30 00:01:19,070 --> 00:01:21,438 are from when we shot the movie "Airplane." 31 00:01:21,547 --> 00:01:22,746 Let me tell you, you know, 32 00:01:22,851 --> 00:01:25,685 I had to study flying to prepare for that role. 33 00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:27,428 - I didn't know that. - You don't say. 34 00:01:27,534 --> 00:01:28,567 Oh yeah, man. 35 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:30,638 You see, it was a sunny day in Van Nuys. 36 00:01:30,745 --> 00:01:32,378 We got to the airport. 37 00:01:32,486 --> 00:01:33,918 And I was just getting warmed up there. 38 00:01:34,024 --> 00:01:35,924 And it was a great day for flying. 39 00:01:36,834 --> 00:01:38,000 [THEME SONG] 40 00:01:38,106 --> 00:01:43,244 ? 41 00:01:43,523 --> 00:01:47,227 - Synced and Corrected by Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com 42 00:01:48,716 --> 00:01:52,208 The Comedy Get Down 1x09 "LA Story Part 1 " Dec 14, 2017 43 00:01:52,725 --> 00:01:53,958 Yes, yes. 44 00:01:54,063 --> 00:01:55,829 And the name of that man was... 45 00:01:59,482 --> 00:02:00,682 ...Robert Hays. 46 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,621 [LAUGHS] Yeah, Robert Hays, okay! 47 00:02:02,728 --> 00:02:03,860 Him, yes. 48 00:02:05,070 --> 00:02:07,203 Hey, guys, if I can be serious for a moment here, 49 00:02:07,311 --> 00:02:11,080 the show tonight is gonna be at the Forum, which is my home. 50 00:02:11,192 --> 00:02:14,526 And I wanna tell you all, from me personally, welcome. 51 00:02:14,638 --> 00:02:16,237 - Thank you. - Thank you, Kareem. 52 00:02:16,343 --> 00:02:17,976 I mean, listen, being here with you... 53 00:02:18,083 --> 00:02:20,083 The Forum is the first time I saw Peter Frampton play. 54 00:02:20,190 --> 00:02:22,624 - Who did he play for? - He was in Los Lobos. 55 00:02:22,740 --> 00:02:24,907 You know... [LAUGHS]... 56 00:02:25,008 --> 00:02:27,776 I met you once before, but it was an awkward meeting. 57 00:02:27,885 --> 00:02:30,852 I was on a plane flying from New York to LA with you. 58 00:02:30,962 --> 00:02:32,762 We both had aisle seats. 59 00:02:32,869 --> 00:02:35,070 And I knew you was gonna look my way eventually, 60 00:02:35,178 --> 00:02:36,944 and I would be able to wave and introduce myself. 61 00:02:37,051 --> 00:02:38,484 But I never did. 62 00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:39,622 And I ended up 63 00:02:39,728 --> 00:02:43,129 flying to LA, five hours from New York, like this. 64 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,240 [LAUGHTER] 65 00:02:45,348 --> 00:02:47,515 I remember being at the Forum, man, 66 00:02:47,623 --> 00:02:48,956 sitting way up 67 00:02:49,062 --> 00:02:50,928 in these shitty seats in the nosebleed section, 68 00:02:51,035 --> 00:02:53,636 but watching you and Magic Johnson get down, man. 69 00:02:53,745 --> 00:02:54,944 One of my best memories, man. 70 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:56,315 And you know what? 71 00:02:56,421 --> 00:02:58,455 Now we're playing a sold-out show at the Forum. 72 00:02:58,562 --> 00:03:00,562 So you guys got me some good seats for tonight? 73 00:03:00,670 --> 00:03:03,404 Kareem, you got the best seats... the best. 74 00:03:03,513 --> 00:03:05,013 Gentlemen, how was everything tonight? 75 00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:06,451 - Excellent. - Wonderful. 76 00:03:06,558 --> 00:03:08,124 - Amazing, thank you so much. - Wonderful. 77 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:09,830 Can I tempt you with some dessert? 78 00:03:09,937 --> 00:03:11,937 Only if you have some ice Kareem. 79 00:03:12,044 --> 00:03:15,145 - We do have ice cream. - No, Kareem. 80 00:03:15,256 --> 00:03:16,889 You know what? Never mind. 81 00:03:16,995 --> 00:03:18,228 GEORGE: No, listen, we're all right. 82 00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:19,600 After the show, we're having a big after-party 83 00:03:19,705 --> 00:03:21,471 with the dessert bar and everything, so we're good. 84 00:03:21,578 --> 00:03:22,377 But thank you. 85 00:03:22,482 --> 00:03:23,948 We hope you'll dine with us again. 86 00:03:24,054 --> 00:03:25,153 - Thank you. - Thank you. 87 00:03:25,259 --> 00:03:26,892 So it's gonna be a real good after-party? 88 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:27,830 Oh, Kareem, come on. 89 00:03:27,935 --> 00:03:29,067 You gotta come to the after-party. 90 00:03:29,172 --> 00:03:30,105 Yeah, we're gonna have weed. 91 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,976 [CELL PHONE VIBRATES] 92 00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:35,485 Oh, hey, I gotta take this. It's Ben. 93 00:03:35,596 --> 00:03:37,262 I'm trying to lure him away from Jerry. 94 00:03:37,368 --> 00:03:38,634 See you guys tonight. 95 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,106 - All right. - Good luck. 96 00:03:40,212 --> 00:03:43,314 Ben, my man. What's happening in Vermont? 97 00:03:46,234 --> 00:03:48,568 Did Kareem walk out without paying the bill? 98 00:03:48,676 --> 00:03:50,910 - Ha! - That's what it seems like. 99 00:03:51,018 --> 00:03:52,317 Man, I can't believe this, man. 100 00:03:52,423 --> 00:03:54,023 He invited our asses out to dinner 101 00:03:54,129 --> 00:03:55,328 and then bounced on the check. 102 00:03:55,433 --> 00:03:57,033 Maybe he fell on some hard times 103 00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:58,606 because it's not a credit card in here. 104 00:03:58,712 --> 00:04:02,981 Hard times my ass. That man is a ice cream mogul. 105 00:04:03,094 --> 00:04:04,527 Well, I don't think he'd stiff us, 106 00:04:04,633 --> 00:04:07,567 but the rule is richest guy at the table pays. 107 00:04:07,677 --> 00:04:10,378 Well, since richest guy pays, Mr. Two Books, 108 00:04:10,488 --> 00:04:12,255 - you take care of it. - No, no, no. 109 00:04:12,362 --> 00:04:14,295 Murphy's the biggest name in comedy. 110 00:04:14,402 --> 00:04:16,069 Yeah, Eddie Murphy. I'm Broke Murphy. 111 00:04:16,176 --> 00:04:17,975 I think we should give it to my brother 112 00:04:18,082 --> 00:04:20,849 from "Malcolm and Eddie," Eddie Griffin. 113 00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:23,827 Yeah, it was a small show on a small network. 114 00:04:25,374 --> 00:04:26,807 Guys, come on, man! 115 00:04:26,913 --> 00:04:28,613 - CEDRIC: Really, George. - "Beverly Hills Chihuahua"? 116 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,487 - DL: I saw that twice. - EDDIE: Absolutely. 117 00:04:30,594 --> 00:04:32,560 You stop spending all your money on hats... 118 00:04:32,667 --> 00:04:34,767 [CHUCKLING] 119 00:04:34,876 --> 00:04:35,975 [BLEEP] 120 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,246 Give me a mint. 121 00:04:37,352 --> 00:04:39,352 No, 'cause you ain't pitched in. 122 00:04:41,830 --> 00:04:49,483 ? 123 00:04:50,328 --> 00:04:52,359 And that is why you never meet your heroes. 124 00:04:52,504 --> 00:04:53,083 Why is that? 125 00:04:53,214 --> 00:04:55,233 Because they just disappoint you, you know? 126 00:04:55,377 --> 00:04:57,210 I could expect something like this from AC Green. 127 00:04:57,317 --> 00:04:59,584 I mean, the guy hasn't changed his haircut since '82. 128 00:04:59,692 --> 00:05:00,724 GEORGE: That's right. 129 00:05:00,829 --> 00:05:02,529 Rambis, same glasses for 40 years. 130 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:03,735 Something's going on there. 131 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,740 But Kareem? Never. 132 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,048 I know, it just caught me off guard. 133 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:10,425 George, we're starting in about 10 minutes, 134 00:05:10,531 --> 00:05:11,964 so let's get you out there. 135 00:05:14,291 --> 00:05:15,858 What's going on, fellas? 136 00:05:15,964 --> 00:05:18,731 Man, we're just talking about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 137 00:05:18,841 --> 00:05:21,542 The ice cream guy? Oh my god. 138 00:05:21,651 --> 00:05:23,684 My favorite is sky hook crunch. 139 00:05:23,792 --> 00:05:25,692 I am lactose intolerant, but, you know, 140 00:05:25,799 --> 00:05:28,567 sometimes it is worth it, I must say. 141 00:05:28,676 --> 00:05:31,944 Ice cream's just a symbol of fun. 142 00:05:32,055 --> 00:05:34,222 The cream, the crunch, the nuts of it all. 143 00:05:34,330 --> 00:05:36,664 I'm allergic to nuts too, so I pay a price. 144 00:05:36,773 --> 00:05:38,372 Okay, let's go. 145 00:05:39,583 --> 00:05:41,149 What else do you like on your ice cream? 146 00:05:41,255 --> 00:05:42,921 Oh, cherries and, you know, whatever. 147 00:05:43,028 --> 00:05:44,361 Do you like those chocolate straws? 148 00:05:44,467 --> 00:05:45,566 I love those. 149 00:05:45,671 --> 00:05:46,837 - All right! - Okay. 150 00:05:46,942 --> 00:05:49,610 You know, he has a great one, a goggleberry swirl. 151 00:05:49,719 --> 00:05:51,051 Not you too. Not you too. 152 00:05:51,157 --> 00:05:57,195 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 153 00:06:00,089 --> 00:06:01,489 LA! 154 00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:04,896 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 155 00:06:05,007 --> 00:06:07,007 Let me tell you something, my ticket said 8:00, 156 00:06:07,115 --> 00:06:08,982 mother [BLEEP]. [BLEEP]! 157 00:06:11,063 --> 00:06:12,095 [BLEEP]! 158 00:06:13,237 --> 00:06:14,804 [BLEEP] 8:00! 159 00:06:15,779 --> 00:06:17,579 It's almost [BLEEP] 9:00. 160 00:06:17,686 --> 00:06:21,421 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 161 00:06:21,533 --> 00:06:22,933 My shit was on time 162 00:06:23,039 --> 00:06:24,972 until I started working with black people, [BLEEP]! 163 00:06:26,418 --> 00:06:28,318 [BLEEP], man! 164 00:06:32,305 --> 00:06:34,906 Milk. Now whole milk is bad. 165 00:06:36,153 --> 00:06:37,752 It used to be good for you bones. 166 00:06:37,859 --> 00:06:39,893 It used to be good for your body. 167 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:44,569 Now, I... if I go to Starbucks, it'd be arguing. 168 00:06:44,683 --> 00:06:46,082 Is this 2%? 169 00:06:46,189 --> 00:06:47,888 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 170 00:06:47,995 --> 00:06:50,129 - Because I can only have 1%. - Is this 2%? 171 00:06:51,374 --> 00:06:53,041 Are you the manager? Hi, are you the manager? 172 00:06:53,148 --> 00:06:55,615 Is this 2%? 'Cause I can only have 1%. 173 00:06:55,723 --> 00:06:57,089 Is this 2%? 174 00:06:58,166 --> 00:06:59,899 If [BLEEP] grab that latte and I spill half here. 175 00:07:00,005 --> 00:07:03,106 [BLEEP], that was 1%! Get the [BLEEP]... 176 00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:07,824 You don't look like you ever ate 2% anything, you fat [BLEEP]! 177 00:07:07,934 --> 00:07:12,837 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 178 00:07:12,952 --> 00:07:14,251 That's what they should do at Starbucks. 179 00:07:14,357 --> 00:07:15,390 Instead of yelling your name, 180 00:07:15,495 --> 00:07:17,795 they should yell what you look like. 181 00:07:18,874 --> 00:07:20,607 Will the mother [BLEEP] that looks like an owl... 182 00:07:20,713 --> 00:07:22,179 Your coffee's ready. 183 00:07:23,156 --> 00:07:24,889 Hey, that's you. Hey, they want you. 184 00:07:24,995 --> 00:07:29,064 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 185 00:07:29,177 --> 00:07:30,676 Will the woman wearing yoga pants 186 00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:32,116 who clearly doesn't do yoga... 187 00:07:32,221 --> 00:07:34,054 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHER] 188 00:07:34,161 --> 00:07:36,428 ...your [BLEEP] Frappuccino with extra double [BLEEP] 189 00:07:36,537 --> 00:07:39,372 whipped cream is ready, you fatass. 190 00:07:39,481 --> 00:07:41,247 Hey, hola, they want you! 191 00:07:41,354 --> 00:07:46,457 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 192 00:07:46,573 --> 00:07:47,673 Will the dude 193 00:07:47,778 --> 00:07:50,178 that looks like Manny Pacquiao [BLEEP] Colonel Sanders... 194 00:07:50,286 --> 00:07:52,520 That's me. Wait, that's me! 195 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:54,964 You said Manny Pacquiao [BLEEP] Colonel Sanders? 196 00:07:55,071 --> 00:07:56,303 That's me! 197 00:07:56,408 --> 00:08:00,911 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 198 00:08:01,025 --> 00:08:03,058 [BLEEP]! 199 00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:05,433 If you have relatives that were in Mexico, 200 00:08:05,541 --> 00:08:06,941 they used to drink goat milk. 201 00:08:07,047 --> 00:08:08,646 That shit... ugh. 202 00:08:08,753 --> 00:08:09,985 [UNINTELLIGIBLE] 203 00:08:10,091 --> 00:08:13,993 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 204 00:08:14,105 --> 00:08:16,839 Your [BLEEP] grandfather be grabbing some dirty nipples. 205 00:08:18,388 --> 00:08:19,988 You dare me to drink it? No. 206 00:08:20,094 --> 00:08:22,194 No, it's all right. 207 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,335 Even the goat would come out of the barn and look... 208 00:08:24,442 --> 00:08:25,809 What the [BLEEP]? 209 00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,822 He's not gonna drink that shit, is he? 210 00:08:31,234 --> 00:08:32,633 [BLEEP] trying to warn you! [BLEATS] 211 00:08:34,312 --> 00:08:35,678 [BLEATS LOUDER] 212 00:08:38,928 --> 00:08:40,661 Shut up, you [BLEEP] goat. 213 00:08:43,612 --> 00:08:45,245 You gotta know what's wrong with your family, though, 214 00:08:45,352 --> 00:08:47,252 because none of us know. 215 00:08:47,359 --> 00:08:48,591 We don't know our family history. 216 00:08:48,697 --> 00:08:50,697 They just fall out. [KNOCK] 217 00:08:50,804 --> 00:08:52,838 He was laughing and then he just died. 218 00:08:52,946 --> 00:08:54,946 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 219 00:08:55,053 --> 00:08:58,254 We don't know shit. Was your mom diabetic? 220 00:08:58,365 --> 00:09:00,098 No, she was just mad all the time. 221 00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:02,806 I don't know. She worked nights. 222 00:09:02,915 --> 00:09:04,915 She wasn't on a diet. She was fat. 223 00:09:06,762 --> 00:09:08,462 Because you're not gonna live forever, 224 00:09:08,568 --> 00:09:10,435 so you should eat the shit you wanna eat, 225 00:09:10,542 --> 00:09:12,141 drink the shit you wanna drink. 226 00:09:12,248 --> 00:09:14,215 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 227 00:09:14,322 --> 00:09:16,289 Tonight, smoke weed, take pills, 228 00:09:16,397 --> 00:09:18,263 do blow, drink! 229 00:09:18,371 --> 00:09:20,070 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 230 00:09:20,177 --> 00:09:22,111 Hey, they [BLEEP] can't catch us all! 231 00:09:22,218 --> 00:09:25,953 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 232 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,965 They might catch two gluten-free mother [BLEEP] 233 00:09:28,072 --> 00:09:29,571 down in Manchester. 234 00:09:29,677 --> 00:09:33,780 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 235 00:09:33,893 --> 00:09:35,159 Poof! 236 00:09:40,082 --> 00:09:42,449 Do Latino lives matter? You're [BLEEP] right they do. 237 00:09:42,558 --> 00:09:47,194 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 238 00:09:47,308 --> 00:09:49,541 If you mother [BLEEP] ever wanna see a blueberry again, 239 00:09:49,649 --> 00:09:50,949 they [BLEEP] do. 240 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,793 If you wanna see lettuce, or a [BLEEP] blueberry, 241 00:09:54,902 --> 00:09:57,302 or some [BLEEP] tomatoes, leave us the [BLEEP] alone 242 00:09:57,411 --> 00:09:58,644 and let us work! 243 00:09:58,749 --> 00:09:59,982 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 244 00:10:00,088 --> 00:10:01,988 The [BLEEP] you wanna do? Pitch in? 245 00:10:03,867 --> 00:10:05,534 If white people had to pick shit, 246 00:10:05,641 --> 00:10:07,274 they'd just pick enough for themselves! 247 00:10:08,217 --> 00:10:10,250 I got two heads of lettuce, Ryan! 248 00:10:10,357 --> 00:10:12,624 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 249 00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:15,100 Ryan, I got mine! 250 00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:18,749 Find the crouton tree. 251 00:10:18,854 --> 00:10:20,321 Let's get the [BLEEP] out of here! 252 00:10:20,428 --> 00:10:26,398 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 253 00:10:26,515 --> 00:10:28,015 Let me tell you something. 254 00:10:28,122 --> 00:10:29,288 If we wanted to be terrorists, 255 00:10:29,393 --> 00:10:31,393 we'd be the most effective [BLEEP] terrorists. 256 00:10:32,504 --> 00:10:35,338 Even ISIS would be... [STUTTERS] 257 00:10:35,448 --> 00:10:37,582 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 258 00:10:37,690 --> 00:10:40,024 I don't know how they did that! 259 00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:44,374 The number-one ingredient in making a bomb? 260 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,813 Fertilizer. 261 00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:50,096 You know there's no way 262 00:10:50,201 --> 00:10:51,867 to stop a Mexican from buying fertilizer. 263 00:10:51,974 --> 00:10:54,241 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 264 00:10:54,350 --> 00:10:57,017 You want 3 tons? Yeah, hey... 265 00:10:57,126 --> 00:10:58,692 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 266 00:10:58,799 --> 00:11:00,299 ...because we're doing a big house. 267 00:11:09,022 --> 00:11:11,756 Well, I took care of our little Kareem problem. 268 00:11:11,866 --> 00:11:13,480 See, Charlie, when you say stuff like that, 269 00:11:13,512 --> 00:11:14,265 it makes me nervous. 270 00:11:14,294 --> 00:11:16,428 What do you mean, you took care of our little Kareem problem? 271 00:11:16,789 --> 00:11:17,788 Just what I said. 272 00:11:17,893 --> 00:11:19,092 I took care of our Kareem problem. 273 00:11:19,198 --> 00:11:20,965 Oh, no, man. You killed Kareem? 274 00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:22,738 You ain't killed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? 275 00:11:22,844 --> 00:11:24,644 I mean, come on, Charlie, how can this be? 276 00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:25,784 I can't go to jail, man. 277 00:11:25,889 --> 00:11:27,355 My skin is too supple for that shit. 278 00:11:28,432 --> 00:11:30,198 GEORGE: Put your hands together, Los Angeles, for... 279 00:11:30,305 --> 00:11:32,672 Put your hands together for Mr. Charlie Murphy! 280 00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:33,979 Showtime. 281 00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:38,320 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 282 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,041 - I ain't going to jail, man. - Nobody... 283 00:11:42,147 --> 00:11:44,314 No, man, 'cause I need a sleep number bed. 284 00:11:44,422 --> 00:11:45,721 I'm a 12. 285 00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:48,478 What's up, LA Forum? Make some noise, LA. 286 00:11:48,603 --> 00:11:53,940 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 287 00:11:54,057 --> 00:11:59,051 - I'm happy to see LA. - Darkness is spreading. 288 00:12:00,357 --> 00:12:02,290 Hey, before I start, I want y'all to give some love 289 00:12:02,397 --> 00:12:05,398 to my homeboy, Mr. George Lopez. 290 00:12:05,508 --> 00:12:07,942 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 291 00:12:08,051 --> 00:12:09,717 [UNINTELLIGIBLE] 292 00:12:13,002 --> 00:12:14,435 I want to give a shoutout 293 00:12:14,541 --> 00:12:17,308 to all the single parents in the audience tonight too. 294 00:12:17,418 --> 00:12:19,818 Give them a round of applause. 295 00:12:19,927 --> 00:12:24,063 Single parents, congratulations on your night out. 296 00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:29,012 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 297 00:12:29,127 --> 00:12:32,662 I know them shit is hard to come by [BLEEP] damn it. 298 00:12:32,773 --> 00:12:33,972 I know, 'cause I'm a single parent. 299 00:12:34,078 --> 00:12:36,278 I got a boy and a girl at the house right now. 300 00:12:36,386 --> 00:12:39,254 I'm mommy and daddy to both of 'em, you know what I'm saying? 301 00:12:39,364 --> 00:12:40,663 That's right. 302 00:12:40,768 --> 00:12:42,135 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 303 00:12:42,241 --> 00:12:44,674 Please don't insult me by giving me a round of applause 304 00:12:44,783 --> 00:12:47,251 for taking care of my kids. 305 00:12:47,359 --> 00:12:48,625 Don't insult me. 306 00:12:48,731 --> 00:12:50,664 That's a myth that we got going around, 307 00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:53,071 that black men don't take care of their kids. 308 00:12:53,181 --> 00:12:54,513 I know I take care of mine 309 00:12:54,618 --> 00:12:56,618 and all the black men I know take care of theirs, 310 00:12:56,726 --> 00:12:59,961 so don't give me no round of applause 311 00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:01,638 for taking care of my kids. 312 00:13:01,744 --> 00:13:04,145 To me, that's like giving me a round of applause for, you know, 313 00:13:04,253 --> 00:13:05,619 brushing my teeth and some shit. 314 00:13:05,725 --> 00:13:07,825 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 315 00:13:07,933 --> 00:13:10,267 I got a boy and a girl at the house right now. 316 00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:13,009 I'll be honest, the boy part is easy 'cause, you know, 317 00:13:13,119 --> 00:13:15,886 we understand each other. 318 00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:20,698 He's a male and I'm a male, so we understand each other. 319 00:13:20,813 --> 00:13:22,413 Like, if I walk in his room 320 00:13:22,519 --> 00:13:24,252 and I see a sock over in the corner... 321 00:13:24,359 --> 00:13:26,660 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 322 00:13:26,768 --> 00:13:28,601 ...I know better than to go touch that sock. 323 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:34,812 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 324 00:13:36,001 --> 00:13:37,200 We understand each other. 325 00:13:38,544 --> 00:13:40,444 I told the mother [BLEEP] right before I left, 326 00:13:40,551 --> 00:13:41,917 to come out here... I said, yeah, man, 327 00:13:42,023 --> 00:13:44,657 you get that [BLEEP] sock outta there 328 00:13:44,766 --> 00:13:47,100 and wash it in the machine by itself. 329 00:13:47,208 --> 00:13:53,078 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 330 00:13:56,006 --> 00:13:57,539 And my girl, she's a trip, man. 331 00:13:57,646 --> 00:13:59,312 She's ten years old now. 332 00:13:59,419 --> 00:14:01,886 I'm learning a lot about women, and I thought I already knew. 333 00:14:01,995 --> 00:14:05,630 Like, I thought that older women taught the younger ones, 334 00:14:05,742 --> 00:14:07,809 and asked all those [BLEEP] questions. 335 00:14:08,685 --> 00:14:11,052 Shit. 336 00:14:11,161 --> 00:14:13,428 You mother [BLEEP] are born asking questions. 337 00:14:13,536 --> 00:14:15,369 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 338 00:14:15,477 --> 00:14:18,778 You mother [BLEEP] invented the word "interrogation." 339 00:14:20,528 --> 00:14:23,762 Y'all invented the technique of asking questions on Monday 340 00:14:23,874 --> 00:14:26,508 and doing a follow-up on Friday to fact check. 341 00:14:26,617 --> 00:14:30,285 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 342 00:14:30,397 --> 00:14:33,198 I found all that out from having a daughter. 343 00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,506 My daughter's a trip. 344 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:36,882 A real trip. 345 00:14:36,987 --> 00:14:38,654 She be asking me a lot of [BLEEP] questions. 346 00:14:38,761 --> 00:14:41,662 I have to tell her sometime, listen, uh, you're not my wife. 347 00:14:41,771 --> 00:14:44,238 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 348 00:14:44,347 --> 00:14:47,315 You're my daughter, so I think you better back it on up, 349 00:14:47,425 --> 00:14:49,792 ask me no more [BLEEP] damn questions. 350 00:14:51,305 --> 00:14:52,871 I wouldn't trade her for nothing, though, man. 351 00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:54,378 My kids is a trip. 352 00:14:54,484 --> 00:14:56,551 I learned from my daughter from over the years... 353 00:14:56,658 --> 00:14:58,024 I learned some things, man. 354 00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:03,300 Like for instance, I learned that if you buy Barbie, 355 00:15:03,416 --> 00:15:05,916 you gotta buy four other little [BLEEP] that's her friends. 356 00:15:06,026 --> 00:15:12,096 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 357 00:15:13,352 --> 00:15:16,853 They all got their own individual clothing line, too. 358 00:15:16,964 --> 00:15:18,597 I know 'cause my daughter had me on the bed, 359 00:15:18,705 --> 00:15:21,906 comparing the dresses. And how do you like this one? 360 00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:25,821 On the inside, I was like, wow, I feel gay right now. 361 00:15:25,931 --> 00:15:28,264 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 362 00:15:28,372 --> 00:15:30,172 Then she made me sit down with her 363 00:15:30,279 --> 00:15:33,481 to eat one of them nasty-ass cakes out of the Easy-Bake Oven. 364 00:15:33,592 --> 00:15:36,760 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 365 00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:38,770 Boy, was that cake nasty. 366 00:15:40,415 --> 00:15:43,583 The cake was so nasty, I wrote a letter to Mattel... [BLEEP] them! 367 00:15:45,635 --> 00:15:48,102 How dare you mother [BLEEP] have a bakery division? 368 00:15:49,850 --> 00:15:51,449 This cake don't taste like cake. 369 00:15:53,362 --> 00:15:54,995 It taste like toys, mother [BLEEP]. 370 00:15:55,102 --> 00:16:00,105 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 371 00:16:00,221 --> 00:16:01,320 But I love my kids. 372 00:16:01,425 --> 00:16:03,558 I wouldn't trade them for nothin', man. 373 00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:05,433 I really wouldn't. 374 00:16:05,540 --> 00:16:06,939 Right now, it's just me and them. 375 00:16:07,045 --> 00:16:10,580 I'm single right now because... Not because I wanna be, 376 00:16:10,691 --> 00:16:14,627 but because I have to be, because I ain't taking no shit. 377 00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:16,606 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 378 00:16:16,713 --> 00:16:18,580 To all my single guys in the audience, 379 00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:21,588 I wanted to spread some love, to give you a little wisdom 380 00:16:21,698 --> 00:16:24,799 that was given to me earlier this week by an old man. 381 00:16:24,909 --> 00:16:26,442 This shit is true, too. 382 00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:30,687 There are four rules to a happy romance. 383 00:16:30,798 --> 00:16:32,230 Four. 384 00:16:32,337 --> 00:16:33,936 Rule number one... 385 00:16:35,448 --> 00:16:37,081 ...get you a woman! 386 00:16:37,187 --> 00:16:43,257 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 387 00:16:44,681 --> 00:16:46,147 Or if you're a [UNINTELLIGIBLE] man, 388 00:16:46,253 --> 00:16:47,819 get you a man. 389 00:16:47,925 --> 00:16:52,628 AUDIENCE: Whoa! 390 00:16:53,509 --> 00:16:54,909 Rule number two... 391 00:16:56,489 --> 00:16:57,955 ...get you a woman that can cook. 392 00:16:58,063 --> 00:17:02,065 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 393 00:17:02,177 --> 00:17:03,743 Rule number three... 394 00:17:05,355 --> 00:17:07,756 ...get you a woman that can make love. 395 00:17:07,864 --> 00:17:09,697 AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND WHISTLING] 396 00:17:09,804 --> 00:17:11,370 Or if you're an [UNINTELLIGIBLE] man, 397 00:17:11,478 --> 00:17:13,244 get you a man that can [BLEEP]. 398 00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:17,819 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 399 00:17:17,933 --> 00:17:19,333 WOMAN: Woo! 400 00:17:24,691 --> 00:17:26,424 I never did that joke that way before. 401 00:17:26,532 --> 00:17:27,898 That's pretty funny. 402 00:17:28,004 --> 00:17:30,571 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 403 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:31,946 Rule number four. 404 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,952 This is the most important of all four of the rules. 405 00:17:36,501 --> 00:17:42,338 Never, ever, ever allow any of these three women.... 406 00:17:42,455 --> 00:17:46,791 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING] 407 00:17:46,905 --> 00:17:51,007 [APPLAUSE] 408 00:17:52,090 --> 00:17:54,457 ...to be in the same room at the same time. 409 00:17:54,566 --> 00:17:58,768 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING] 410 00:17:58,881 --> 00:18:01,482 I really like telling that joke. 411 00:18:01,591 --> 00:18:03,357 But I know I caused somebody some problems 412 00:18:03,464 --> 00:18:05,197 in this mother [BLEEP] tonight. 413 00:18:06,341 --> 00:18:09,175 This is what's gonna happen in somebody's car on the way home. 414 00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:12,637 Yeah, well, mother [BLEEP], we both know I can't cook! 415 00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:15,467 So which bitch am I? 416 00:18:15,575 --> 00:18:17,975 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 417 00:18:19,054 --> 00:18:20,787 DL: Anybody know what Charlie did to Kareem? 418 00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,393 CHARLIE: That's the new thing, you know... 419 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:23,733 Okay, listen. 420 00:18:23,838 --> 00:18:25,304 I don't know if Charlie choked Kareem out. 421 00:18:26,414 --> 00:18:28,514 CHARLIE: That shit is, Butto me, some creep shit.t. 422 00:18:28,622 --> 00:18:30,756 He put him in a very special seat. 423 00:18:30,863 --> 00:18:34,664 - Oh, wow! - Look at him. 424 00:18:34,778 --> 00:18:36,911 EDDIE: Yeah, you should've paid that bill, buddy! 425 00:18:37,018 --> 00:18:38,184 [LAUGHTER] 426 00:18:38,290 --> 00:18:39,856 Him knees up in him chest. 427 00:18:39,962 --> 00:18:41,262 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 428 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,974 - CEDRIC: Crunch time for real. - His nuts is up in his throat! 429 00:18:47,870 --> 00:18:55,280 ? 430 00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:58,090 As I was saying, I smoke a lot of weed. 431 00:18:58,198 --> 00:19:00,399 AUDIENCE ON TV: [LAUGHTER] 432 00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,974 Look at, I can't believe Charlie did that shit, man. 433 00:19:03,082 --> 00:19:05,215 He had Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's ass 434 00:19:05,323 --> 00:19:07,757 in the last row of the Forum. 435 00:19:07,866 --> 00:19:09,232 DL: He was all the way up! 436 00:19:09,338 --> 00:19:11,572 Aw man, he was all up against the ceiling, like... 437 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,313 NINA: All right, thanks. I'll tell him. 438 00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:15,252 George, that was Essefess Steak House. 439 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:17,359 I guess there was a mix-up. You double paid for dinner. 440 00:19:17,468 --> 00:19:18,900 They're crediting back your card. 441 00:19:19,006 --> 00:19:20,739 - Double paid? - Yeah. 442 00:19:20,847 --> 00:19:22,646 Apparently Kareem had already bought the dinner tonight 443 00:19:22,753 --> 00:19:24,520 on his house account. 444 00:19:24,626 --> 00:19:25,859 Uh... 445 00:19:26,969 --> 00:19:28,435 Eddie, you're on in five. 446 00:19:30,113 --> 00:19:31,479 I gotta go pray. 447 00:19:33,124 --> 00:19:34,524 Wait, wait, wait. 448 00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:37,731 So Kareem did pay, and we promised him the best seats. 449 00:19:37,841 --> 00:19:41,509 But instead, he put his ass way in the top row... 450 00:19:41,621 --> 00:19:43,821 In the middle of the top row! 451 00:19:43,930 --> 00:19:45,329 Oh! 452 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,235 [SHOUTING FRANTICALLY] 453 00:19:47,342 --> 00:19:48,675 GEORGE: Kareem! 454 00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:51,180 Charlie did it! Charlie did it! 455 00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:54,557 AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER] 456 00:19:54,668 --> 00:19:55,701 Is he here? 457 00:19:55,806 --> 00:19:57,539 GEORGE: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. 458 00:19:57,645 --> 00:19:58,477 Let's think. 459 00:19:58,582 --> 00:19:59,948 Maybe... maybe he went to the bathroom. 460 00:20:00,054 --> 00:20:02,555 Yeah, George, he went to take a dump on our careers. 461 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:04,532 Damn. 462 00:20:04,582 --> 00:20:09,132 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0